Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Op. 22, no. 2
To Ethan

No more be grieved at that which you have done,
Nor any longer keep your lonesome mirth.
Let us sit outside, beneath the noonday sun,
And speak of what has happened on this earth.
Let we of single mind feel free to speak
The dreams, the thoughts, emotions of the heart,
The highs and lows (both blessings) of the week
That write and paint our lives as works of art.
And as facades we've placed begin to fade,
The lives we share grow clearer to our sights.
We sacrifice the mess our own pride made
And in our need, let brothers in our plights.
All men make faults, and even I in this:
To love you all the more the mark I miss.
Remembering all those times we met up in those bright sunny days. Good times.

This is based on Shakespeare's 35th sonnet, "No more be grieved at that which you have done."
Wow! I'm new to deviantart, but this is certainly the best poem I have read thus far. To take on the Shakespearian sonnet is a bold move. Your rhyming never feels too forced, which is a trapping any young poet falls into when composing using a formula. Have you ever tried writing a sestina?

What works about this poem is the story it tells. It's simple. People sitting in the sun and speaking. It's quite elegant in its simplicity. Very nice.

I'm more of a modernist at heart, personally, so I must suggest this: the poem already feels very modern, very (I'm assuming) you. But could you make it even more timely? What if the people were eating fruit roll ups or drinking a four loko, passing it back and forth? Maybe they're talking about the ending of a link to the past? I love when poets are not afraid to date themselves. Why try to be timeless?

Just a thought : )
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

One word, bold. You have made a bold move choosing this and done very well.

Honestly, it is just a refreshing breath from what I normally see around here. It makes me smile, it makes me think - it forces some sort of augmentation upon the reader. A very fine piece for anyone.

May I ask, what inspired the piece?

Vision: Modest, but simple - a solid 4 stars.

Originality: you're the few who can make frugal become original.

Technique: Solid 5. Perfect rhyming and not forced.

Impact: Well, it hit me with skill and it captivated the culture of a mid-way world. Very nice job.

Fantastic, thank you for sharing,
Tristan Cody.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment:

:iconparsat: More from Parsat

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
July 12, 2012
File Size
837 bytes


1 (who?)