literature

On a Rainy Afternoon

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Parsat's avatar
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Literature Text

Like outside patters, Chopin's rain
Drips steady with the flatted A
On sakura of orange peel

And washes down my sun-sweet meal:
A harvest from the girl who plays
A strain that wanes but comes again.
For #HammeredPoetry's prompt #6: 60 extraordinary words. 37 words in iambic tetrameter and a symmetrical form.

I knew a girl who could peel a tangerine so that it would look exactly like a cherry blossom and who would play the Raindrop Prelude every time it rained.

She was dear to me.
© 2012 - 2024 Parsat
Comments24
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haijinik's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

the two strongest points in the piece are the flow and the structure.

first, on the flow: although the reader is left to their own devices at points by lack of punctuation and/or odd line breaks, the flow (especially when read aloud) is lovely. i get the feel of rain pattering on and then running down a window; a very nice onomatopoeia-ism result.

second, the structure: here i am speaking to the very (i only actually noticed it on the second read-through) subtle mirrored rhyme scheme. very well crafted.

the only real weakness to the piece, in my opinion, is the aforementioned punctuation / line break issue, which in the long run didn't detract from it greatly.