Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconparsat: More from Parsat


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
December 4, 2012
File Size
342 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
89
Favourites
4 (who?)
Comments
6
×
Incense glow sending ghosts
From hurting hearts to empty boasts:
Coins, cash, greedy gains,
Pleading prayers wring relief.
Deep drones, still strains,
Tides will turn, gods will grieve,
Blessed lives leave hungry hosts
DFC day four: an alliterisen. My thoughts on seeing shrines in the ghettos of Taiwan.
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012   Writer
Wheee, so this is a super belated sorta-kinda critique that I have owed you forever.

I'm not good at forms, and I know the alliterisen is so difficult, [One of my least favorite forms. :paranoid:] so I can't help much on that front. However, this is wonderful you really capture the atmosphere wonderfully, a little bit of grit and that touch of a spiritual element. I absolutely adore the first two lines, Incense glow sending ghosts
From hurting hearts to empty boasts:
They're just fantastic, really.

The only thing I could possibly be nitpicky about is the last line, it is just a teensy bit not as strong as the rest of the poem [but the alliteration is spot on.]. Other than that everything fits so well together and you really manage to pack a punch in such few words. ♥
Reply
:iconparsat:
Parsat Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks for the critique. The alliterisen is not one of my favorites either; I like form but I feel it's more arbitrary than helpful. I would agree the last line is a bit short...I was really mulling over several possibilities, but none seemed that great. Still, I'm glad I managed to pull off that sucker for DFC!
Reply
:iconthedorsai:
TheDorsai Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
what is "to empty boasts" ?
Reply
:iconparsat:
Parsat Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
Those who pray to idols seek only gain.
Reply
:iconthedorsai:
TheDorsai Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And suddenly the entire piece makes sense. Thanks!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful message behind such a difficult form :heart:
Reply
Add a Comment: