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Submitted on
December 4, 2012
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4 (who?)
Incense glow sending ghosts
From hurting hearts to empty boasts:
Coins, cash, greedy gains,
Pleading prayers wring relief.
Deep drones, still strains,
Tides will turn, gods will grieve,
Blessed lives leave hungry hosts
DFC day four: an alliterisen. My thoughts on seeing shrines in the ghettos of Taiwan.
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Wheee, so this is a super belated sorta-kinda critique that I have owed you forever.

I'm not good at forms, and I know the alliterisen is so difficult, [One of my least favorite forms. :paranoid:] so I can't help much on that front. However, this is wonderful you really capture the atmosphere wonderfully, a little bit of grit and that touch of a spiritual element. I absolutely adore the first two lines, Incense glow sending ghosts
From hurting hearts to empty boasts:
They're just fantastic, really.

The only thing I could possibly be nitpicky about is the last line, it is just a teensy bit not as strong as the rest of the poem [but the alliteration is spot on.]. Other than that everything fits so well together and you really manage to pack a punch in such few words. ♥
Parsat Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks for the critique. The alliterisen is not one of my favorites either; I like form but I feel it's more arbitrary than helpful. I would agree the last line is a bit short...I was really mulling over several possibilities, but none seemed that great. Still, I'm glad I managed to pull off that sucker for DFC!
TheDorsai Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
what is "to empty boasts" ?
Parsat Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
Those who pray to idols seek only gain.
TheDorsai Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And suddenly the entire piece makes sense. Thanks!
intricately-ordinary Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful message behind such a difficult form :heart:
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